Every day we make choices. We decide what to eat for breakfast, what to wear, how we handle ourselves in an argument/disagreement, what to make for supper, etc. These are mundane, everyday choices.
Then, there are the big choices – if you should go to college, where to go to college, who you should marry, where you should live, if you should have kids, how many kids to have, etc. These are not your run of the mill, everyday choices.
For me, today was that kind of day. I’ve decided that in connection to writing a blog, I am going to keep a journal because sometimes it’s easier to write it on paper before writing it in cyberspace (because usually once its out there, there’s really no going back) and because somethings are just to personal to put out in cyberspace, or are they?
So, here’s what I wrote in my journal today. Then I will explain more.
Today I can truly feel that fall is almost here. Soon we will be bundling ourselves in the warmth of sweaters and coats where we once ran from the heat of the noonday sun in the Middle of August.
I find myself at a crossroads. I only have 2 choices, both difficult to make. I am in a season in my life where I am trying to figure out who I am without worrying about how others see me yet being fully aware of their pity and how they feel sorry for me but I know better that my Jesus has a better plan for me and I am choosing to trust Him from here on out.
This morning I work up and made a decision. Today is the first day of a new season. I will no longer pity myself for what I want but don’t yet have and, instead, look at what God has bless me with. I have chosen the path I will walk down and I will not walk it alone because I have Jesus by my side. During this season of my life, when I sense only one set of footprints, I will know that my Jesus is carrying me.
This is a very drastic change from how I’ve been feeling from the last few days. It is only by God’s GRACE. And MERCY and His undying, unconditional LOVE for me. It is through the story of a mother who carried her baby 30-something weeks only to have a 2 1/2 precious hours with her beloved daughter after she was born yet still trusting and praising God that this is all part of His divine plan and that He would heal her if it was in that plan and that He has a greater purpose for her and her family.
It is only through knowing this that I can say, “Okay, God, bring the rain if that’s what needs to happen for Your Glory to be manifest through me.”
Here’s the explanation…
If you read my last post, you know that lately I’ve been struggling with where I “fit,” where I belong. I’ve struggled with being one of the few single 20- and 30-somethings at my church. I’ve struggled with where I belong in my church. I’ve struggled with dealing with living with my parents again (did I mention they are not believers?).
Well, I just woke up this morning and said, “I’ve had it.”
In reality, I was saying it to the cricket that found its way into my bedroom last night that just
would… not… stop… CHIRPING! Ugg… I was so tired this morning but I just couldn’t kill it. I was just too fast for me. Every time he evaded me. I was quite annoyed by this as well. But I digress.
The cricket and his incessant chirping where just a catalyst for me to realize that I was the cricket and my incessant complaining – whether to myself or others – about my situation as a single or my work situation was the chirping in the middle of the night when all you want is a good nights sleep.
I must have driven my friends absolutely crazy the last year! I am so blessed that God would allow me to have such Godly women in my life to listen to me complain and gripe about still being single and “when will it be my turn.” Ugg… just writing that makes me cringe inside! So today, September 9, 2009 (one year to the day I started this blog – happy anniversary to me!), I made the decision to walk this walk with God regardless of when its all supposed to happen. I know it won’t be easy and there will be days when I will regress but I will continue on – no matter how hard or uncomfortable it makes me.
I pray this blesses someone tonight. Thank you for listening.