Lately I have been
feeling experiencing a holy discontentment with my spiritual walk but I can’t seem to figure out how I am going to change that.
I’m still trying to figure out where I’m at. I’ve been what seems like a bombarding (is that a word?) of stuff, worldly stuff, that causes my heart to ache. I’ve tried desperately to write a post about it TWICE with no luck. Because each time, it comes across all… WRONG.
This isn’t the first time I have felt this way. This is just the first time I’ve felt this way for this long. I’ve pretty much felt like this since I came home from China last April. I’ve just felt like there has to be more to my life and my walk with God than just what I’ve been doing.
Of course, that is when the thoughts come.
“What can you do?" You don’t have any money to go anywhere. What about your family? Your friends? You can’t leave these people because you won’t be able to survive on your own somewhere.”
Yeah… when the enemy wants to make me doubt myself, he certainly isn’t worried about hitting below the belt. Because I am concerned about the money I have and am able to use to help others with. To be completely transparent, at a young age, I got in over my head with credit card debt, always wanted a nicer car, etc. and ended up with a bunch of debt I’m still paying off.
I’ve been reading The Hole in Our Gospel and I know exactly how Richard Stearns felt when he was asked (and this is a paraphrase), “Don’t you want to be obedient to the will of God for your life?”
“Sure, God, but can’t it be in Chicopee, MA? It’s where I’m most comfortable.”
I mean, come on, let’s face it. No one really likes what makes us uncomfortable. Even in Christianity we only want to do God’s will in our lives only if we can do it in the comfort of our own home, church, job, school.
But I still did it. I felt God call me to go to China last year and I had never – and I mean, NEVER – traveled outside of the country before. So what did God decide to do, send me clear across the world to a country where people are put in jail or worse for proclaiming the Gospel.
Where do you go from here?