It has been about 2 1/2 weeks since my last post. I’m not even sure what to write at the moment…
So much has happened in the last little bit that I’m not sure where to start.
The beginning is usually the best place, right?
So about a month ago – Labor Day weekend to be exact – a guy friend, someone who I’ve known for 5 years, sent me an uncharacteristic text message which has sent me down a path which I’m not quite sure I’m ready to go down.
At first, I was excited about the prospect, the potential of what could be. I mean, I’ll be honest, it has been awhile since I’ve had someone – a guy – tell me I’m pretty so it was nice to hear it.
And, of course, all of my girlfriends were excited to hear about what could be. Some were more vocal than others, which at this point has become an irritation more than a sharing of joy.
And it’s not because things aren’t going well. Everything is fine. We get along. We have good conversations. We have somethings in common. We both love God and desire to serve Him, which above anything else, is most important.
I’m not sure I’m feeling the same way he is.
And if I want to be truly honest, I get annoyed pretty easily with feeling like I have to talk to this person EVERY DAY. See, even as I am typing this, I feel the annoyance rising up in me. (In all reality, if it was only a matter of talking to them once a day after work or during the day, I probably wouldn’t be this irritated by it but this constant texting can really drive me mad. I mean, in all reality, in the time it takes to text about one topic, I could have had an actual conversation about multiple topics. I only really like texting for short messages like getting together with a friend and setting it up.) And it’s only been a little more than a month!
And it’s not for lack of effort on his part…
But lack of MY desire to put effort in. And when it comes to relationships, that’s not who I am, who I’ve been. I am usually the one who gives 110%, all or nothing.
It is causing me to question a lot.
Like, am I supposed to be married? (Maybe I’m not. And in all honesty, I’m really okay with that. Not that I don’t desire it, because my ultimate desire is to be a Godly wife and mother but I’m just wondering if maybe I’m just not cut out for it.)
It has made me re-evaluate me relationship with Jesus and I know that it isn’t what it could be. In that, I am being more intentional about reading and praying and journaling.
I am so upset by this that last night as I was driving home from work, I broke down crying. And I kept crying at home. I just had this overwhelming feeling of not wanting any of what has been happening. I just want to run in the complete opposite direction.
I’m scared. Of all of it. Of the process. Of being hurt. Of hurting him. I’m scared of the process. This hurts. I can’t even say that I’m afraid of being hurt because I hurt right now.
So, that’s where I’m at right now. I’m sure I’ll try to post again soon with an update.