I’ve noticed that lately I can be a little on the negative side.
Especially in my blog.
I find that sometimes it is easier to say somethings that I want to tell my friends then to just tell them.
Case in point: Last night I was hang out with some married friends and they both have kiddos. As we were eating dinner age and marriage and kids (and my lack thereof) came up in conversation as it can when you put women in a room together.
I had mentioned a conversation I had with my sister earlier yesterday about how I was already freaking out, ok, maybe not necessarily freaking out but I am not happy about the fact that I’ll be 30… next year. I know it’s irrational but it’s because I feel like I haven’t really accomplished a lot of what I wanted to do by 30.
And my sister asked me what I want to do before I’m 30 and my automatic and immediate response is: “Get married and have a baby.”
Her response to that was: “Well, you have 4 months to do it and if you did that I would punch you.” (Yeah, I know.)
So when I told this to my friends, their response was that it could happen because God can do anything (True) because His ways are not our ways (Also true). But I immediately shot the idea down because it’s not how I would plan it. Because even though it bothers me now, I am sure that when my 30th birthday rolls around next year, I’ll be ok whether I’m single, engaged or married at the time.
Because regardless of whether or not I’m in a relationship or not, I know one thing to be True and that is I have Jesus. And that is enough for me.
Everything else is icing on the cake.
But I think the one thing that really upset me was that when talking about having kids and I again mentioned that I didn’t necessarily want to have natural children, one of my friends said that she knew I would be pregnant at one point.
Something in me just became really upset by that statement. Because, and I didn’t say this because both women again have children, I don’t want to have children naturally. Maybe that will change but I can’t imagine giving birth to a child when there are so many children who need parents and want parents out there. Maybe that is selfish of me. And I know that is a negative statement to make, too, but that’s just where I’m at right now. (I think it has to do with my friends having been TOO honest about their pregnancies.)
So what do I do with this except pray about it?
Then I think about Proverbs 16:9
A man’s heart plans his way, But the LORD directs his steps.
And I also think about the book, Plan B, by Pete Wilson (which I haven’t yet read completely but I downloaded the podcasts that the book is based on and it has really stirred me). Obviously my life hasn’t gone how I would have planned it if I really had any control because I would have been married with kids by now.
BUT (and I’m pretty sure that I’ve said this before) I know that if I had gotten married by now:
- I’d be divorced. It doesn’t matter who. Of all the guys I’ve dated, good or bad, I wasn’t meant to marry them and we probably wouldn’t have stayed married.
- I wouldn’t have come to God when I did or I wouldn’t have come to God at all.
- I’d be a single mom.
Three things that I’m glad didn’t happen. So, after last night’s discussion, I’ve realized that I’ve been very negative about my singleness.
And I don’t want to do that. And I certainly don’t want to portray that here. Because I know that God is doing something amazing in my life right now. And he will continue to do so whether I’m single or not. So…
I’m going to start changing how I view this season of my life (although I would really like it to be over soon – just sayin’). I know that this isn’t going to change completely overnight (oh how I wish it would though!) but I’m going to make an effort to bring these negative thoughts under captivity.