Going Against the Grain

I get frustrated. Annoyed, really, when friends try to tell me that my (future) marriage is going to be a certain way.

As if each of their marriages is exactly the same.

And apparently every man is the same way. If that were the case, which I’m pretty sure it’s not, then I am better off staying single the rest of my life.

Because although I love all of my guy friends and consider them like brothers, I certainly do not want to marry any of them. And if that were the case, then every single guy I dated after my first boyfriend would have been a cheating jerk.

But they weren’t. And all of my friends’ husbands would be the same. But…

They aren’t. And that’s good because my friends are not all the same. They are all very different and as such, need their husbands to be different.

See, God has all called us to show Jesus through ourselves. And that means showing God through our personalities. And through the jobs we have or don’t have. Through our relationships which are all different.

My relationship with one friend is different from the next. Because they are all different and bring out different aspects of my personality just like I bring out different aspects of their personalities.

In The Four Loves, C.S. Lewis writes this about friendship:

Lamb says somewhere that if, of three friends (A, B, and C), A should die, then B loses not only A but “A’s part in B.” In each of my friends there is something that only some other friend can fully bring out. By myself I am not large enough to call the whole man into activity; I want other lights than my own to show all of his facets.

I believe that marriage is that way, in a sense. Of course, this is just theory as I am not married, but I believe that a spouse can bring out the best in you. They can also bring out the worst, too. I’ve seen it. I’ve experienced it in a relationship where the person who I was in the relationship with brought out the worst in me. My temper, my desire to be perfect in every way.

Oh, it wasn’t pretty. It was down right ugly.

And I neither want to remember it nor go back to it.

No, I want to be better next time. The last time.

And I want it to be just as God has planned it to be.

I’ve got a dream of a romance that is built just for me where my husband is willing to court me. To be consistent. To work at our relationship. Where he loves God more than me and is willing to do whatever it takes to provide for our family. Where I am his partner but he will still be the head of the household in every way. Where I can wear my flannel pajamas to bed more times than I will a nightgown and he will still see me as sexy and beautiful.

Where he will just love me for the quirky, crazy girl that God has created me to be and he will listen to my dreams for adoption (because I’m not sure I want to ever be pregnant and after reading Adopted for Life, I see adoption in a whole new light that solidified my desire to adopt) and a missional mindset – even if the mission field is just our front yard and down the street.

Where we will serve God side by side in ministering to youth because I have a dream to bring Jesus to young women who don’t realize their potential and that those dreams they dreamed aren’t just fancies and weren’t just from nothing but that maybe – just maybe – those dreams were planted there by God.

Maybe these are just fanciful dreams. Maybe I’m putting too much pressure on me and on God.

But these are the desires of my heart and I KNOW that God will deliver as long as I continue to seek Him. Maybe He will deliver in a way that I don’t see just yet.

There is one thing I do know:

That Christ may dwell in your hearts by faith; that ye, being rooted and grounded in love.

May be able to comprehend with all saints what [is] the breadth, and length, and depth, and height;

And to know the love of Christ, which passeth knowledge, that ye might be filled with all the fulness of God.

Now unto him that is able to do exceeding abudantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that worketh in us,

Unto him [be] the glory in the church by Christ Jesus throughout all ages, world without end. Amen {Ephesians 3:17-21}

God has placed these dreams in my heart. He is allowing me to dream big. And I believe with all of my heart – I have faith because I can’t see it just yet – that He will bring my dreams to reality.

What are your dreams? What is God allowing you to dream for? Do you believe He will come through?

If we can just believe that He will follow through on His promises and stand on that, there is no telling what God will do for and through us!

Blue Like Jazz Movie

I am sure by now that some, if not all, of you (the 10 people who read this little blog) have heard about the book Blue Like Jazz by Don Miller. He has also written other books such as Searching for God Knows What, A Million Miles in a Thousand Years, To Own and Dragon and Through Painted Deserts.

I have read Blue Like Jazz and A Million Miles in a Thousand Years (thanks to Sarah Markley’s recommendation on her blog) and was changed.

A Million Miles is the story about the making of BLJ into a screenplay and then into a movie. Until this past September, they were in the process of raising money to fund the production of the movie when everything came to a standstill (go here for the blog post Don Miller wrote on his blog).

That’s when Zach Prichard and Jonathan Frazier decided that they would try to save the movie by starting fundraising themselves with the website, Save Blue Like Jazz. They created an account on kickstarter.com to raise the funds.

The original goal was $125,000.00 by October 25 but as of right now, the grand total that has been raised is $210,170.00 (at 8:55 a.m. on Saturday, October 23).

Now, to tell you how these books have affected me are 2 different posts (I would have to dedicate one to each book), but I will say this, I am constantly asking myself if I am living a good story and what I can do to change the course of the story I am currently on to match that of the story that God has laid out for my life because I truly believe that God has a story for all of us to live out – we just need to be willing to search that story out.

I am writing this post to ask you to give if you have not already given to the movie. I think for a movie like this to come out in the theaters will affect more people than any one of us could imagine because I think this book has affected more people – Christians and non-Christians, alike – than anyone knows.

I, myself, have given to the movie so if you look on page 52 of the backers list, you’ll find my name.

If you go here, Don Miller has posted a video on his blog to let you know how much this fund-raising push has changed some of the people involved in the movie. Now, I know my little blog doesn’t always get a lot of traffic, but I’m hoping that those who come across my little corner of the blogosphere will read this blog and if you’ve read Blue Like Jazz, too, and you want to see this movie made, just donate one $1 if that is all you can. History is being made through this movie already just by how the funds have been raised.

Become part of history today! You only have until midnight EST on October 25 to donate. (That’s 9 p.m. PST)

Nothing Profound, Just Honest

It has been about 2 1/2 weeks since my last post. I’m not even sure what to write at the moment…

So much has happened in the last little bit that I’m not sure where to start.

The beginning is usually the best place, right?

So about a month ago – Labor Day weekend to be exact – a guy friend, someone who I’ve known for 5 years, sent me an uncharacteristic text message which has sent me down a path which I’m not quite sure I’m ready to go down.

At first, I was excited about the prospect, the potential of what could be. I mean, I’ll be honest, it has been awhile since I’ve had someone – a guy – tell me I’m pretty so it was nice to hear it.

And, of course, all of my girlfriends were excited to hear about what could be. Some were more vocal than others, which at this point has become an irritation more than a sharing of joy.

And it’s not because things aren’t going well. Everything is fine. We get along. We have good conversations. We have somethings in common. We both love God and desire to serve Him, which above anything else, is most important.

BUT…

I’m not sure I’m feeling the same way he is.

And if I want to be truly honest, I get annoyed pretty easily with feeling like I have to talk to this person EVERY DAY. See, even as I am typing this, I feel the annoyance rising up in me. (In all reality, if it was only a matter of talking to them once a day after work or during the day, I probably wouldn’t be this irritated by it but this constant texting can really drive me mad. I mean, in all reality, in the time it takes to text about one topic, I could have had an actual conversation about multiple topics. I only really like texting for short messages like getting together with a friend and setting it up.) And it’s only been a little more than a month!

And it’s not for lack of effort on his part…

But lack of MY desire to put effort in. And when it comes to relationships, that’s not who I am, who I’ve been. I am usually the one who gives 110%, all or nothing.

It is causing me to question a lot.

Like, am I supposed to be married? (Maybe I’m not. And in all honesty, I’m really okay with that. Not that I don’t desire it, because my ultimate desire is to be a Godly wife and mother but I’m just wondering if maybe I’m just not cut out for it.)

It has made me re-evaluate me relationship with Jesus and I know that it isn’t what it could be. In that, I am being more intentional about reading and praying and journaling.

I am so upset by this that last night as I was driving home from work, I broke down crying. And I kept crying at home. I just had this overwhelming feeling of not wanting any of what has been happening. I just want to run in the complete opposite direction.

I’m scared. Of all of it. Of the process. Of being hurt. Of hurting him. I’m scared of the process. This hurts. I can’t even say that I’m afraid of being hurt because I hurt right now.

So, that’s where I’m at right now. I’m sure I’ll try to post again soon with an update.